The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

*points and glares* you are a very depressing comedy writer, human

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRiNKiNG TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

You answer the door before people knock.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

and.....


You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

SNAPPY COMEBACKS:

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

NERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

RANDOM DEViANT COMMENT

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"

teh poem does NOT suck! its very nice

--
To be loved and loved back... that's bliss. Unrequited love... constant agony.
~Zima, from "Chobits"